Flowershop Confessions

...And so it begins. It was a lazy Wednesday at work. I was talking to a nice lady about something forgettable, enjoying the weather and without a care in the world. Out of nowhere, a loud, unhinged, likely hopped up on one Mother's-little-helper or another broad comes barging in talking about how she needs a plant RIGHT NOW. It was as if she were having a brash maximum-volume conversation with herself all the way down the street, happened upon my shop and thought aloud, PLANTS. THAT IS WHAT I NEED. I stop talking, stunned into silence by her lack of tact and social mores. I look her up and down for an explanation: not swaying back and forth, eyes aren't bloodshot, hands aren't shaking, average mid-to-late thirties desperate housewife. Huh.

She turns to both of us and says, "Hey, I just saw both of you in the bathroom at the Mexican food place!" to which I respond "Uh, no, that wasn't me." and quickly realize I am dealing with, at the very least, a chemically imbalanced woman whose personal space bubble is nonexistent (mine is at least three feet on all sides). I go over the emergency procedure in my head and remind myself not to stare her in the eye or provoke her in any way, similar to Fossey's mountain gorillas. I stare over her shoulder, pretending to be interested in something going on in the distance.

"Fine. Nothing amuses you, does it? Now. I need a plant. Maybe a tuberose, that corresponds with my astrological sign."

I literally laugh in her face at this point. I couldn't hold it in, and my mocking her neurotic astrology speech probably didn't help her delicate mental state. Other Lady had booked it out of my shop as quickly as humanly possible at this point, giving me a may-God-have-mercy-on-your-soul glance of pity on the way out. I hope she feels guilty for leaving me alone with her. Crazy spends the next couple minutes looking around, commenting loudly on which plants ward off evil spirits and other such bullshit. I ignore her. She seems to be fading away, losing interest, almost out the door, yet when I think I'm home free she half-jogs back up to the counter saying, "Why aren't you helping me? Suggest something! I need something! It's very important."

I point at an attractive hydrangea. "How about this?"

"No! I can get that at Walgreens. Besides, it'll grow slime and peat moss." (Huh?)

"How about this? ...Or these? Or..." And it went on. And on. I point something out, she feigns offense or disgust.

"Booooring! No! I need something that signifies healing. New growth. Inspire me!"

Fuck that nonsense. I gave up and just looked at her, smiling, hoping she'd think I was the crazy one. No deal. When she noticed I gave up on selling anything to her, she said again, "Nothing amuses you, does it?"

"No, nothing amuses me right now."

"Well that's too bad. I'll take this." She chooses a jasmine plant that is dropping flowers and crunchy from our designated plant cemetery, and I charge her $30 for it. While I am ringing her up and she is torturing me with a full explanation of her astrological profile and why she can only have black or white pots for her plants, her phone rings and she starts yelling, "Shit! Shit! I'm late! Hurry the hell up!!"

...To which I look her up and down and smile again, still hoping she thinks I'm just a little slow, when the reality is I am physically biting my tongue. She yells at the poor Comcast man on the other end of her phone who is apparently waiting at her house, telling him if he stays another five minutes she'll give him a big tip, which I doubt ever materialized (I'm fairly certain he sensed the crazy and didn't wait, though). As her attention was diverted elsewhere, I ran her credit card she had thrown onto the counter, printed out her receipt, set it down next to her three Louis Vuitton wallets that were linked together with a chain (wtf), and walked away.

As she ran out of my store, she thanked me for wasting her time and making her late for the cable guy. All I could really do was smile and shake my head. By that point there were people peeking their heads in wondering what sort of demonic banshee was causing such a racket.

The end.

Little surprises me anymore, so I really have to give big ups to the craziest Crazy yet. Just when I thought I had seen it all and was starting to become jaded, I witness the human psyche dipping into depressingly new lows. Stunning.

...And yet, saddening at the same time. I wonder what happened to that lady to make her the vehemently illogical, yelling, spitting fire-and-brimstone-and-Astrology creature that graced my presence today, because I still have enough faith in nature to know that her crazy couldn't have occurred without serious coaxing.