Making serious progress on this front and feel better than I have in a loooong time. I love that I have the ability to make myself feel so great, just by thinking and doing and having conversations with people I care about.
I almost feel sad that I didn't realize it earlier. I was always looking for external sources of happiness: from drugs, from booze, from men. Turn off the brain and force myself to forget, force myself to be happy on false pretenses. Now that I have naturally begun to feel happiness without these things (for literally the first time since I was a child) I am seeing how easy it is to keep it up and stop being scared. Stop the self-medicating and start the healing process (yes I am turning into a new-age hippie).
So here is the plan. Stop being scared of honest conversation, or of going to a party without drinking, or of what people think or say about me. It's all inconsequential in the end. I think what matters most is the people you hurt and the people you love. It is so obvious and cliche but I never learned. I am the great master of avoidance -- avoiding confrontation, difficult conversations, my own thoughts. I'm ready to apologize to those I've hurt, forgive everyone that's hurt me and love the people I love with my whole mushy and bruised heart. Sounds like I'm ready to graduate AA.
3 comments:
I tried calling you yesterday to ask an important and pressing girl scout song question. I couldn't remember that the song "Barges" was called "Barges" and started to hate myself for remembering all the damn words but the name of the ship in the song. It went like this:
"out of my window, looking in the night, i can see the HMM HMM flickering light"
It was painful and you didn't answer, so i called my mother and she helped. thank god, though, because i spent an hour trying to remember that damn word. Anyway, this post is magical and I am waiting for a heartfelt apology for all those nights of passion we didn't get to have because you were too scared to tell me you loved me in "that way". Oh wait, I suppose that is yet another fantasy of mine...hmm...
I'm glad you're happy, but I'm sad it took you this long to figure out how to make the happy happen organically.
Does this mean you're ready to forgive EVERYONE so my future wedding won't be so awkward? Or, maybe, at least you'd consider coming as opposed to boycotting it all together.
It's early morning in Ely, UK and I miss your face.
Oh, Barges. Such good memories of singing around the campfire as kids. I am sorry for not answering, I didn't hear my phone :( Nights of passion will happen when you return, now that I have uncovered my deep-seated lust.
I think forgiving BC will be the last step on my road to recovery. I am (or WAS?) truly a bitter grudge junkie. I will be civil at the very least, because I know it will make you happy and that comes first <3
I guess I always knew in the back of my head what had to change to achieve true contentment with my life, but was way, way too terrified to go there. And, it of course doesn't mean I was never happy. Just not consistently, or daily, or sometimes weekly. I am in a good place and didn't even need to pay $100/hour for it. Screw you, Mrs. Gray!
For $100/hour, Mrs. Gray better be giving you more than talk.
It sounds like you're headed in a good direction. The pace doesn't matter as long as the direction is good.
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